Holidays & Rainbows - Big Spring TX

Holiday season is here and in full swing! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! We've been on the road traveling for birthdays and Thanksgiving over the past few weekends and it is so nice to slow down and enjoy home for a little while. I always seem to reflect on past holidays and how our family dynamics have changed over the years. I am so thankful for the wonderful holiday experiences my little family has had over the past few years. Two years ago I was about 7 months pregnant with Gun and last year was his first Christmas. At 9 months, it was such a fun age to experience the traditions, lights, and cooler weather. Now at 21 months, it's a whole new ballgame, full of rules (don't touch Baby Jesus, don't touch the tree, don't touch the angel, etc.)and attempts to break them! With the reminiscing of great changes also comes the reminder of what could have/should have been. We lost our first baby on May 31st, 2013. It was the scariest and biggest heartbreak I have ever been thru and it changed me. You never know how much you want a child until you are told you have something wrong or you lose one. Our marriage was tested by this loss and thank the Lord we were able to grow stronger and closer because of it. We fought and cried thru our first loss and then we were blessed by our little miracle, Gunner. All was right in the world again! Fast forward to 2016, thoughts of Baby #2 were entertained and soon we were trying again. I lost our 2nd baby on May 23rd of this year. For me, this loss was worse than the first. In my mind, the first could have been a "fluke" or my body not really ready to take on the demanding role of making and baking a life. But this loss, this meant 2 out of 3. Statistically, this meant something could be wrong. With me. Why couldn't I do this? Why couldn't my body do what we as women were put on this earth to do? Nevermind the specifics, considering both babies that we lost were going to be due around Matthew's birthday and for whatever reason, God just did not want Matthew to share that day! We discussed getting tests done to see if everything was "okay" on that front, but I learned that the norm is to not dig any deeper until you've had 3 miscarriages. And then came August and the loss of our 3rd baby. I think I threw myself into finding out what was wrong with me full force. Whether it was to ease the pain I was feeling or the OCD in me was in overdrive, I don't know. But it's what I did. All the bloodwork came back normal. Good deal; maybe it was just "bad luck" after all. Last test would be to do an ultrasound of my uterus. Of course, I googled the heck out of what issues you could have and I remembered the doctor who performed my C-section with Gunner asking me if anyone had told me that I had an "odd-shaped" uterus. Crap. So, I went into the ultrasound half knowing that it very well could be the problem that was causing us to lose our babies. Sure enough, it was. While I don't have a full on heart-shaped uterus, it is distorted enough that whenever the little bean tries to make a home, it implants on an uneven area and can't hang on. Options were discussed with my doctor and we've decided to continue to try without having surgery. It would fix the uneven areas but would also require at least a year of recovery time. I know my body can do this. I have this sweet little miracle that is just waking up from his nap and jabbering away to his zebra to remind me of that. Up until this point, I have been so private and embarrassed about our baby journey. But, it is something that happens to so many and in so many different ways. Why be silent about it? Since we've shared our story with our family, it has helped in so many ways. Sometimes people who don't know your story don't know that things aren't always easy. I would never wish this on anyone and I am so happy for those that can pop babies out like crazy! But, I do think by sharing your story and situation, it helps others to understand and to be thankful for what they have. If you or anyone you know is struggling with bringing their little miracle into this world, please know that they are in my prayers. Our prayer list grows every day, but so many requests and thoughts are for our friends and family that have or are still going thru this. You are not broken; you are not a failure. God only gives us what he thinks we can handle. So those of you struggling, know that God thinks SO much of you as to give you this burden to carry. And I know the rewards will be beyond our imagining! Just know that it is, unfortunately, in His time. That is the hardest part. Putting faith in His time. But that is also why faith, in my opinion, is one of the greatest tests we are put thru as Christians. And during this holiday season, let the birth of Jesus remind you that miracles do happen, and yours will too.

Hugs.

- KS